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I don't

...I don't know.

[ He's still shaking and sweaty and struggling with things. He's not sure now is the best time for getting up and trying to walk anywhere.

On the other hand, he wouldn't mind seeing her. No, scratch that, he really wants to see her. Plus, it...might be easier to work things out, talking face to face. Maybe. ]

I don't want to take up your time. I know you don't like to waste your time, especially with talking, so I don't want to put you out just because I'm [ Losing it? ] having trouble understanding. It's not like it's your job to help me understand what happens in the future.

But if it's not actually any inconvenience... I mean, I wouldn't mind. It. Might help.

[ She's working on the planet, still helping to kill the whales, but this gives her a reason to return to the ship. She doesn't respond to his words, what comes across as begging her to indulge him. It's clear enough he wants the chance to talk. ]

Meet me at the ship's bar at 2000 hours.

[ At the appointed time, Tex is already there, sipping on a rum and soda. ]

[ Punctual as ever, Wash turns up at 2000 hours exactly, looking a little dishevelled in his ship uniform. He looks tired and almost a little haggard as he approaches Tex, slipping into the seat across from her.

Even just seeing her face is a little hard on him after the day he's had, as it drags up a series of emotions that he's far too tired to get into describing at this point. Not that it means he isn't happy to see her--in fact, the overwhelming conclusion, aside from a few anguishing emotions in the background, is that he's pleased to see her. ]

Hey.

[ He greets her shortly, not really sure what else to say. There feels like so much in his head that he wants to say, yet at the same time it feels like a blank slate. Clearing his throat, Wash rubs at a temple briefly before looking across the table with a slight smile. ]

Thanks. For doing this, I mean. I know you probably didn't want to-- Anyway, I appreciate it. That was all...a lot to swallow at once...

[ She gives him a conciliatory look as he babbles, not feeling as sympathetic as she wishes she could. She knows it's her fault he looks so drawn. She waits until he finishes speaking and lets out a small sigh. ]

Don't do that. If I didn't want to be here, I wouldn't be.

[ That shuts him up. Like, keeps his mouth shut even after she's finished talking for a few moments as he peers across at her, then glances down at the table with a nod. ]

Okay. Sorry.

[ He wants to thank her again all the same, but bites his tongue to refrain. ]

So. It must not have been so great to see me when I replied to your network post, huh?

I knew you were here. I saw you on the manifest. I knew I'd hear from you, sooner or later.

[ She takes a small sip of her drink, then gives him a slight nod, tilting her head. ]

I know it was a lot to take in. And I know you've been through a lot. The Project didn't leave anyone untouched. I just don't know what happened between... [ a small pause in hesitation ] Epsilon, and what you did when you faced the Meta.

I know, but... I mean, with what I did, you couldn't have been looking forward to it...

[ The person who destroyed her? He's not sure how he'd feel in her shoes, but he knows that Texas is a...well, she holds grudges, and now that he knows what happened to her before she wound up here... He's got the feeling she wasn't so thrilled to know he was here, too. ]

I'm...still kind of taking it in, to be honest. [ He flinches a little at the mention of Epsilon, but takes a few long, deep breaths to keep him from falling back into that chaos that's bubbling just underneath the surface of his rational thoughts. ] I-- I hadn't realized how bad things were. I didn't know until--

[ ...Until Epsilon showed him just how bad things were, and just how corrupt the Project was. And even then, he's been blocking it out, putting up a barrier in his mind to prevent any of that from getting through. But now that some of it has... He understands a little better Tex's anger during their first interaction on the ship. ]

I don't expect you to know everything. If... If things went as bad as it sounds like they did, it would've been hard to keep tabs on anyone else. All I wanted to know was why the Alph-- Church is so angry with me. ...And I guess where you had come from, along the timeline. But I didn't have any intention on pressing for that...

Well. Now you know. The answer to both of those questions.

[ She tilts her glass, looking at it, then back at him. ]

And no, I wasn't looking forward to hearing from you. But it's a bit different, knowing you are from some point in my past. I can't expect you to answer for actions you didn't take, actions that from your point of view are unexplainable. So...in that sense, I don't blame you.

[ How could she? It wouldn't be fair. She wants to be able to blame him, but it's just not something she can place on him. Not now. ]

Are there any other questions you have for me? I know I broke things a bit harshly.

Yeah, I guess I do.

[ It's honestly a relief to hear what she has to say as she continues. She doesn't blame him. At least, not this version of him. Down the line, he'd have to answer for what he did, but for now... They're okay?

Probably still a shaky okay, but. Better than her blaming him.

He releases a soft breath that shows his relief there, only to end up glancing across at her in surprise when she opens up to answering questions for him. Boy, does he have a lot of questions. More than he realizes, even. But he's not so sure he wants to get the answers to a lot of them.

Considering how just the mention of the AIs, the Alpha, had sent him spiralling earlier, he's...scared to go back down that road. Question what he'd remembered. ]

You... You said you broke back in to see Al--...Church. Why didn't you take him with you? I mean, if you knew what they were doing to us. [ ...No. No, that's wrong. ] Me. --Him. Why didn't you take him with you, if you had the chance to save him?

[ Her expression goes hard as he stumbles his way through that question. Goddammit. She'd tell him it's none of his business but really, in a sick, twisted way, it was his business. The Director had gone and made it Washington's business when he implanted Epsilon. To the point where Wash couldn't even differentiate the fact that it hadn't been him these things had happened to when he starts talking about it.

Once he's done speaking she looks at him for a moment and finally responds in a low tone. ]

I don't know what to think of you.

[ She flattens her lips into a line and then frowns. It's not his fucking fault. Whatever was going on in his head, it was something caused by what the Director had done. The memories, the lack of them, whatever.

When she speaks again, her tone is softer, with less of an edge to it, her gaze cast to one side. ]

I was too late. [ The admission crosses her lips reluctantly. ] When I found him, he didn't know who I was. Or...who he was, even. He told me he was too tired to come with me, so. I left him. It's...what I had to do.

[ Even after the words have left his lips, the question is out there, Wash curses himself for it. Not for the question itself, but for...getting confused in the act of asking it. He's had a few moments here and there since arriving where he's struggled knowing which one of the voices in his head he is, but this is the first time it's been difficult enough to tell that it's actually...shown.

Tex's words are met with silence for a few moments before Wash offers an unamused smile, almost a grimace, in return. ]

Neither do I right now.

[ He's got no fucking clue what to make of himself. What to make of the noise in his head. Any of it. He feels like he's caught in some sort of internal whirlwind and he's not sure how to get back out. At least before he'd had...some amount of control over things, but that seems to be slipping quickly.

He listens to her answer, though, able to focus on that. His eyes watch her face closely, seeking out emotion, and he nods slowly as she finishes. ]

I want to say that maybe it was better for him that way. [ But maybe he'd need to get to know Church before really knowing the answer to that. ] --I'm sorry. For asking. I just...there are a lot of questions. A lot of them are personal.

[ For who they're personal for, he doesn't say. But really? For more people than there should be. ]

That's right, they are.

[ She takes a sip of the drink, angling her face downward as she considers what else she might say. She sniffs and sets her drink down, pushing her hair back off her forehead with a swipe of a finger as she looks back at Wash. ]

Eventually, he managed to paste together some pieces of memories he'd been left with and probably some false memories the Director planted. He came to see me as his ex. I didn't see any reason to argue with what he remembered. It was safer for him—for his psyche—to let him roll with what he remembered.

[ He instantly wants to apologize again when she replies the way she does, but refrains. He's got the feeling his constant apologizing would just annoy her. ]

Yeah, I guess it would be.

[ Actually, Wash is getting the feeling he knows it would be, considering...the events of the day. He's been dealing with some screwed up memories a little since waking up back on the Mother, but today it was like they all just...broke through the floodgates.

If... If Epsilon was Alpha's memories, then no doubt whatever was left after that was in rough shape mentally. But Wash shakes his head, trying to clear it from thinking down that path. Too dangerous.

Either way, he gets what she means. ]

So. Church... What does he actually know? I mean, does he know any of this, or is he still...kind of blissfully unaware?

He seemed to know what it meant to be the Alpha when we finally came back together. As far as I know he still doesn't remember it though—he just knows the concept of who he is.

[ Another slow, thoughtful sip. ]

We didn't have much time to talk.

That makes sense.

[ His eyes follow her glass as she takes a drink, taking time to consider her words.

No, Church wouldn't remember anything about being Alpha, because all those memories were removed. ...In the form of a certain fragment. ]

But he still remembers you. [ He speaks more quietly now, staring at her glass without really looking at it now--almost zoned out. ] You must leave a really strong impression. Not even losing all of his memories will remove you from his life-- We could never...

[ Pause. Frown. Head shake. ]

He could never forget Allison.

[ She frowns, raising her hand to her face and swiping her palm across her mouth thoughtfully. She lowers her hand again and lays it flat on the table. She wants to be angry with Wash for using Allison's name, for inserting himself that way with the use of the word 'we'...but he's not the one who inserted himself in this whole thing. He's not the one who appropriated those memories for himself, not the one who stole them away from Church.

She sighs. ]

I don't understand it all. I have to be honest about that. What was taken from him? What was left? I don't know.

I don't know either.

[ Wash shakes his head; he assumed Epsilon was all of Alpha's memories. But if he still has some, at least of the Director's life and Tex... He has to wonder if those are just part of who Alpha is. Things that can't be taken away. Things that are just...in his programming. ]

Whatever the case, he's better off without what was taken.

[ He says it without really thinking, his voice still quiet as when he mentioned Allison. There's a concerned and slightly fearful look that crosses his face for a few moments, but then he manages to recompose and offer a shaky, rather bitter smile. ]

I feel like they might keep a person from functioning. Maybe even destroy them.

[ She eyes him, then shakes her head slightly. ]

Whatever those memories have in them, I know you managed to push through.

[ She's not going to address the fact that Church is broken, and that's why he is without those memories. That doesn't seem much like a winning scenario to her. But at least he was able to protect himself. Washington didn't have that option, and so she needs to be understanding. ]

Anyway...if you need anything...I'll do what I can to help.

[ It's a bit reluctant, because yes, she's a bit mad at his future self for deciding to use an EMP on her, but holding that over his head wouldn't really be fair. ]

[ He's quiet for a few long moments after she tells him that. She would know, wouldn't she? She's seen him in the future, she knows what happens to him, at least to an extent. While it's a bit comforting, he still finds himself worried and afraid of what's in his head. Even if he gets through it all in the end, it's not going to be a fun process.

Instead of really answering, he just nods a few times, finding he hasn't really got any words to reply with. However, when Tex continues, his head lifts quickly--a surprised jerk of a movement, and he stares over at her like he almost can't believe what he just heard.

--It's not that he thinks anything bad about Texas ~~he only has good things to say about her~~, it's that... He knows she's not much for this kind of stuff. Being there, helping people, talking... So hearing her offer that just...kind of blows his mind for a minute. ]

Really? --I mean, thanks. I appreciate that. Really.

[ And for a second, he's staring across at her with a smile--a real one. But for that second, she's not Texas, she's Allison. She's the love of his life.

Then he blinks, brows furrowing. No, wrong. She's Texas. She's a teammate and...maybe a friend. And he's not Leonard, he's Washington. Fuck. ]

But you don't... You don't have to do that. I-I know that's not your thing, really. [ Fuck again. He's stammering because he's shaken. That last memory... That whole thing has him more freaked out than he wants to let show. He keeps his face surprisingly composed, but his body is trembling slightly as he comes down from the shock. ] And I'd hate to-- To drag you into anything. You're not here to be my therapist.

[ But he's starting to think he should find one... ]

[ And that, right there, is why she was so reluctant to say that. She rolls her eyes at his initial reaction, giving him a flat look. And when his reaction after that is to low-key freak out, she purses the corners of her mouth and lets an exhale out her nose. ]

Yeah, you know. Do whatever you're going to do. I'm here; I said I'm willing.

[ She picks up her drink and drains the rest of it before setting the glass down. ]

I do know of someone on the ship who's doing hypnotherapy. Maybe that would help you. More than anything I could do, because yeah, you're right. I'm not exactly the best person to help you.

[ Especially with those looks he gives her from time to time. Those are pure, unadulterated looks of adoration and she knows exactly where they're coming from. It unnerves her, and she's not exactly thrilled at the idea of spending time with someone who is going to be letting that sort of emotion influence him. It's probably better if they stay apart, to be frank. ]

Right. Thanks. I'll keep it in mind.

[ He nods quickly, still appreciating her offer, but getting that feeling that she's annoyed with him blabbering on like that. Still trembling, he balls up his hands in his lap and lets his gaze sit on the glass she's just set down. That's a safe place to look, right? To help him...straighten things out in his head. ]

Hypnotherapy? [ That has him glancing back up curiously. ] ...I don't know. I mean, it might. I've never really tried it before.

[ But he's never really had any reason before. And if this whole thing keeps up, these struggles in his head--and he doesn't see them going away just by sleeping them off tonight--he should probably be willing to give it a try. Plus, it would be more than anything Tex can do for him. She actually probably does more damage than help, inadvertently, and they probably should stay apart.

But he doesn't want that. He probably couldn't count the number of reasons why on just two hands, but he knows that at least one of them is his own, and it's because he wants to be her friend. ]

Maybe you could introduce us. ...Or even just give me their name and I can call their MID. I think it's probably worth a try, whether it ends up working or not.

[ She's trying so hard not to be irritable at him. It's not fair to him to treat him like he's doing this on purpose, or something. ]

Have you had any chance to try?

[ She doesn't know what would be the most helpful, but they have to make due with what's available here.

In any case, she flicks her finger across her MID and sends Wash Ocelot's contact information. ]

[ He can kind of sense her tenseness, and it makes him feel bad, honestly. He knows he's the cause of it, and it kind of makes him want to slink away and leave her be. But of course, at the same time, he doesn't want to leave. ]

No.

[ He shakes his head and glances down at the contact information as his MID receives it. Making a note of it, planning to contact the guy sometime soon, he looks back across the table at Tex. ]

...It's getting late. I don't want to keep you here longer than I already have... [ ~~yes he does~~ ] Maybe we should call it a night.

[ She nods slowly. ]

Yeah. You've had a lot to take in.

[ She finishes her drink and rises. ]

Let me know how things work out with the therapy.

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